It is with a heavy heart that we inform you of the passing of Margaret Mars, philanthropist, globetrotter and onetime lover of Antonio Luna. Her noble pursuit of humanitarian causes dates back to the first word she ever spoke (“Peace”), which is juxtaposed with the seven words she uttered right before being assassinated (“Who let these ninjas into my house?!”). Indeed, these seven words paint an inexplicably bizarre, yet accurate, picture of her final moments on earth. Who let these ninjas into her house, and why were they there to begin with? What business did a pack of inhuman zombie-mummy-ninjas have with Ms. Mars, and why did they murder her? Fascinating questions, none of which we have the answers to. But Ms. Mars would not want us to grieve! Ms. Mars’ will states her desire that we celebrate her life and not mourn her death (as horrific and gruesome as it may have been)! So come! Be merry and help us send off the great Maggie Mars in a way that honors her remarkable life!
Just be sure not to invite Antonio Luna.